Survive

Assalamualaikum people. Today's June 25th. My birthday. As expected, you will be the first one that wished that. Thanks for staying man you know how much I appreciated that:) So, this time I barely get ideas to write a good entry so let just simply looking back all the past.

2017 is the toughest year for me. Only the closest one will know how much I changed from last year. From cheerful Aishah to heartless Aishah. From talkative Aishah to an introvert Aishah. Now I know how does it feels to be grown up. I wish the time will stop really. Especially that time. 12 May 2017. Who knows, right?

From that I'm started to struggle with myself. All these inner conflicts that can't be explained. 

As a result, I learn to avoid, suppress or withdraw from conflict or even act as though it doesn’t exist. But sooner or later, I come to grips with the fact that conflict is inevitable. Kau nak elak takboleh weh. Nak lari mana kalau battle dengan diri sendiri.

I question everything I do, every move I make, and I feel like everything I do is going to turn out to be the wrong thing to do. Then when I try to have fun, it’s almost impossible to actually enjoy it. I feel empty, and drained. I just want to sit at home and sleep. Nothing feels the same. 

I still laugh at jokes and genuinely find them funny. I can still have great conversations with people. I can sometimes feel good even if it's just for a brief moment. I just wish things were different, and I wish I didn't constantly feel this sadness.

But alhamdulillah, masuk matrics probably the best choice I've made. From just a reason untuk escape dari rumah, into someone yang more matang I guess. Mungkin dulu tak tahu how bitter really life can be. Up until now, I'm still struggling with it. But it's okay. InsyaAllah, Allah will help me to survive from all this things. 

So, not so long ago, there's someone that send me a message

"The meaning of Aishah is a happy life, vivaciousness and living prosperous. Dulu kau juga yang selalu cakap nama Aishah ni orang yang selalu hidup bahagia. Mana Aishah tu sekarang?"

:)

Happy birthday, Aishah!

If you win the fight against yourself, you will wins all the competitions in this world. It is always you or your ego that refrain you from moving forward. -Sensei James Kouame